Greetings, knaves and imbeciles. How good of you to JUMP aboard Creepy Master Jeff’s Rickety Tour Bus of Central New York Horrors. Perhaps you know our parent company, Malaysia Limo?
Before we get rolling (in our graves), allow me to introduce our driver, Dr. Michael Clarke, of St. Joseph’s Hospital Health Center. Clarke was suspended in February for slapping the butts of anesthetized patients while using atrocious language, but that’s all, um, behind him. He’s back at St. Joe’s, fully rehabilitated and even taking time off from his busy joint implant schedule to help us celebrate Halloween safely and sanely, right Dr. Clarke?
No, Dr. Clarke! Stop that! Stop slapping the passengers’ buttocks and cursing at them as they board this whimsical conveyance. Can’t you see they aren’t properly anesthetized yet? Get back in the driver’s seat THIS INSTANT, you slap-happy moonlighting sawbones!
My deepest apologies, my pretties. Can I get you some ibuprofen? Please bare with us as we review our in-transit surgical procedures.
Goodness, I’m a dreadful host, aren’t I? I seem to have forgotten the caramel apples and candy corn! Fiddlesticks! Why don’t we pull into this delightful German restaurant, Danzer’s. Shut up! I can see that it’s closed. Details, details. Just because some waitresses walked off the job, citing racism by the owner and unsanitary conditions doesn’t mean we should let all that delicious German food go to waste.
Halt! Do not run! DO NOT FLEE MY TAINTED WEINER SCHNITZEL! Essen! Partake of the schnitzel, you ungrateful schwein!
Look at you. You’re white as a ghost. Now that you’ve been properly (force)fed, let’s head to Distresstiny USA for some retail therapy. As you can see, four brave, highly trained Onondaga County Sheriff’s deputies have boarded our coach to provide extra security, except … where the dickens are they? Oh, no. Did they forget to come to work again?
Hmmm. It does, however, appear that some non-uniformed interlopers have boarded our bus while we were dining. Those two middle-aged people mashing in the seat directly across from you? That’s the county executive and the governor. Full disclosure: Even Creepy Master Jeff gets weirded out watching that.
Hey, you two! Get a room!
Sitting in front of them is a Jamesville prison inmate on furlough with his new shelter dog, Skippy, provided at county expense to enhance prisoner-canine esteem. See how the inmate has bonded with his pooch? See how he strokes it and loves it? This is all so healing and positive.
Oh, no. Is Skippy puking up illegal narcotics right here in the bus? Bad dog, Skippy. You’re supposed to wait until you’re inside the prison to do that. Then your inmate-owner can trade the drugs for esteem-enhancing favors of an unspecified nature.
Oh, now what? Who’s this crazy woman who keeps claiming she’s the mayor and that her iPhone was stolen from her home. Go away, strange lady. We’re not loaning you an iPhone. Take this coupon instead. It’s good for a free Clark’s roast beef sandwich.
Ugga Ugga Ugga Ugga. OWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUU
Oh, drat. We seem to have overshot the mall and gotten stuck again under the Onondaga Parkway railroad bridge. Please excuse the inattention of my driver, Dr. Michael Clarke. We’ve really hit bottom now. I have half a mind to give Dr. Clarke a good spanking, but even Creepy Master Jeff understands that’s against the rules.
We simply must lighten the mood here. I know. Instead of going to that overpriced mall, let’s see what’s shakin’ at the proposed toxic amphitheater. Oh, stop screaming. All the studies — including those sponsored by Ticketmaster — show that the area is perfectly safe.
Would you like to say hello to my mutant freshwater oyster friend Roy? He has nine hearts and weighs as much as a Hyundai Elantra. He likes you! He says he wants to attach himself to your head and neck for the next thousand years.
Come back here! You do not have Creepy Master Jeff’s permission to flee Central New York …
Not over my dead bodyyyyyyyyyyy-yyyy!
Paleo Barkeep: I’ll be serving drinks Halloween at The Ridge in Chittenango in full caveman attire. I start at 7 p.m. Service will be pre-lingual, selection rudimentary at best. $25 advance, $30 at door. Includes one drink, appetizers and The Ripcords. More info at golfattheridge.com.