Senior Picnic at Taco Bell

Free A.M. Crunchwraps for all this Thursday!

As we move into the season of giving thanks, I’ve been searching for a way to thank all of you. Without loyal Syracuse New Times readers — there are dozens — I’d be just another anonymous gentleman trudging in and out of Adult World three times a week.

Of course, it’s not just readers to whom I’m indebted. So many others enrich my life in ways large and small. Friends. Family. Service professionals such as the nice folks who just repaired my Honda Element for $1,600. Republican presidential candidates. The IRS.

How, then, to say “thank you” to so many without breaking the bank. Finally it hit me clear as a bell.

On Thursday, Nov. 5, — that’s tomorrow for most of you  — between the hours of 7 and 11 a.m., each of you gets a free A.M. Crunchwrap on me at any participating Taco Bell. I’m not joking. All you have to do is be in line during the 7-11 a.m. window and tell ’em, “Give me my freakin’ free A.M. Crunchwrap because Jeff Kramer says I’m freakin’ awesome.”

One A.M. Crunchwrap per person while supplies last. No purchase necessary.

If you follow my column in other parts of the country, don’t despair. This gift is good in all 50 U.S. states and the District of Columbia, not just Central New York. I even considered extending the offer to Canada, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Maybe next time, eh?

No substitutions, so if you’ve got your heart set on a delicious Chicken Biscuit Taco or the Grande Scrambler, you’re on your own, compadre.

How did this come about? I won’t bore you with the details, but I used to live and work in Orange County, California, home of Taco Bell’s headquarters. Let’s just say I’m incredibly well connected there. Also, I co-own two Chihuahuas. Don’t ask.

Mainly, though, I wanted to offer something that would be of particular value to everyday Americans who wake up on a random Thursday with a blinding hangover. The A.M. Crunchwrap fit the bill perfectly, but just to be sure, I dragooned my friend Randy into visiting a local Taco Bell last week and force-fed him three versions of the A.M. Crunchwrap. Randy wasn’t hung over, but he hadn’t slept well and he’s old, which is basically the same thing.

I felt much more vigorous than Randy, until the young lady at the counter informed me out of the blue: “I gave you the senior discount, so you saved $1.12.” It was like getting smacked in the face with the abolished Waffle Taco, but I quickly got over it. Vanity takes a backseat when you’re breakfasting at The Bell.

We dug in. Randy and I both liked the chain’s “hexagonal handheld breakfast.” Or, to be more precise, we didn’t not like it.

“Having this type of food, I don’t feel great, but it brings back great memories,” Randy said. “You’re out at night with your friends. What could be more fun — except when they give you a senior discount.”

The Country A.M. Crunchwrap was our favorite. Contents include a sausage patty, hash brown patty, scrambled eggs and cheese, smothered in country gravy. While it is not clear which country Taco Bell is referencing, the individual components melded into a pleasing uniflavor.

Our next favorite was the steak followed by the more pedestrian but still palatable traditional (bacon) Crunchwrap. Exactly which Crunchwraps are offered Thursday may vary by location, but don’t bet on the steak. It’s so expensive.

Oh, stop your Bell-y aching. What’s Dave Barry done for you lately?

Whatever they hand you, enjoy it with the knowledge that it’s coming from me to you slathered with love in the form of delicious creamy Jalapeño sauce. This Crunchwrap’s for you, County Executive Joanie Mahoney, and you, Mayor Stephanie Miner, and, yes, even you Super Candidate Howie Hawkins (condolences, again). It’s for brothel survivor Lamar Odom (glad you’re on the mend, Big Guy!) and for the drunk woman who broke into a zoo in Omaha and tried to pet a tiger. That’s another great thing about the A.M. Crunchwrap: You can eat it with one hand.

You’re welcome, America. Live Mas.

I love you all.


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