Kramer

It looks like someone could have used a calendar for Christmas

The words of an expert on Valentine’s Day

Saturday is Valentine’s Day, and you know the deal, guys: no roses, no hoses. Of course it’s not exactly that simple. Women want more than just flowers and chocolate from their sweetheart on Valentine’s Day. According to Brian Williams, they also require romance and, in more severe cases, actual feelings.

That puts pressure on romantically challenged males, but if you happen to be one, don’t worry: You’re reading the words of an expert on Valentine’s Day as it applies to le feminine Miss Pique. Successfully married since 1995 or 1996, with a long string of conquests leading to that fateful event, I’ve become expert at turning the root canal that is Valentine’s Day to my advantage. Today I’m sharing all my secrets.

For starters, the savvy gentleman must pay close attention to his partner as the big day looms. Is she fun-loving and amorous or, clinically speaking, bitchy? In my personal situation, I’ve noticed that my wife, Leigh, has been a little frosty this week, but — and this is important — I’m not taking it personally. Most likely she’s just beaten down from shoveling snow or has some imponderable female problem. (Yawn.) She’ll snap out of it when she wakes up Saturday to a dozen orange carnations and a refurbished Shop-Vac. Don’t succumb to her moods. Stay upbeat. Take time for yourself. And never ask, “What’s wrong?” It’s none of your business.

But there are little things you can do to grease the skids of romance. Women are incredibly turned on by men who appear helpless and incompetent because it makes them feel needed. A misplaced wallet or cell phone, a bungled, half-hearted attempt to fix a toilet, a shockingly inept wardrobe choice — any of these can get her hormones flowing big time.

“How long has that open jar of mayonnaise been sitting on the kitchen counter?” Leigh just asked me.

Looks like Cupid’s arrow just found its mark.

Ultimately, a woman who feels empowered is a woman who craves sex. For example, as I write this, it’s 5 degrees outside, and Leigh just mentioned that she keeps forgetting to replenish the windshield washer fluid in her car. A less experienced mate would misread that as a hint that she wants me to do it. But I know better. What she really wants is for me to express in a supportive way my confidence and trust in her.

“That’s easy to do,” I encouraged her. “You shouldn’t have any problem.”

Flowers and/or chocolates are unavoidable on Valentine’s Day. Women who claim they don’t want them are trying to trick you into screwing up so they have an excuse to not have sex with you. Nonetheless, avoid extravagant gifts and overly mushy sentiment. It creeps them out. When Leigh and I were first dating, I bought her a cute stuffed bear for Valentine’s Day. I failed to notice that the bear was wearing a red sash that read: “I love you!” Leigh thought it was weird. I tried to assure her that I didn’t really love her, but I suggested we still have sex anyway, and things spiraled downhill. I remember thinking as I sat alone at Denny’s picking through my Moons Over My Hammy: Why are women so effing complicated?

Even something as seemingly simple as a love poem can quickly turn nightmarish with these people. Poems are appropriate only if your relationship has reached the Boring Phase, usually at six to 10 weeks. Never write your own love poem. Too risky. Several websites will manufacture one at no charge if you supply a few key words. Here’s the poem that Allpoems.com produced for me to give to Leigh:

Gonadia
You are the new bicycle in my day,
the Tom Brady in my sky and the
Dinosaur Bar-B-Que in my heart . . .
Syphilis is on the rise locally.

Looks like someone is about to get lucky — except it’s not about luck. It’s about preparation. It’s about embracing Valentine’s Day versus denying its power. At the start of each year I make it a point to take out a red pen and boldly circle the date, which, as I hope you know, is . . .

Oh, crap.

Email Jeff Kramer at jeffmkramer@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter at @JKintheCuse.

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