Kramer

Holiday Songs For A Cruel Yule

Trumpaclaus is Coming to Town!

I’m doing better now that we’re more than a month past the election. My stomach hurts less and the number of times I wake up in the middle of the night consumed by dread is generally less than two. 

I’m most bothered, for whatever reason, by the climate change deniers that the president-elect wants to stuff in his cabinet. A friend told me the other day that he wishes all the deniers would sit in an open, idling car in a closed garage for an hour, and then report back as to whether they still believe climate change is bogus.

But none of this is very festive, is it? Let’s get to some Donald Trump-themed Christmas carols:

Trumpaclaus is Coming to Town

You better watch out

You better not pry

You better not doubt 

Or even ask why

Trumpaclaus is coming to town

He’s making a list

He’s building a fence

New PJs for Putin

A torch for Mike Pence

Trumpaclaus is coming to town

He tweets us when we’re sleeping

He tweets when we’re awake

He blows off security briefings

He should tweet those, too, for 

tweetness sake

You better watch out!

You better not pry

Don’t mind the drought

Just drink and get high

Trumpaclaus is coming to town

Down on the South Lawn (to “Up on the House Top”)

Down on the South Lawn

Reindeer pause 

Fearing Donald Trumpaclaus

Historic Truman Balcony’s 

the perfect blind

He and Eric shoot every one they find

Ho ho ho, the herd’s gotta go

Ho ho ho, the herd’s gotta go

Down on the South Lawn

Click, click, click

Even Richard Nixon wasn’t this sick

First one is Prancer, an easy kill

Second down is Dancer by the 

window sill

Vixen’s the next one to go bye-bye

Oops, that’s the president of Uruguay

Ho ho ho, they didn’t know

They confused Uruguay 

with Mexico-o-oh

Down on the South Lawn

Click, click, click

Excuse me, Mr. President, 

but you’re a …

(provide rhyming word of your choice)

North We Go! (to “Let It Snow”)

Oh the nominees are so frightful

They almost seem quite spiteful

With all of our belongings in tow

North we go! 

North we go! 

North we go!

At the Canadian border we’re stopping

“Just here to do some shopping”

Showing passports gold and blue

Let us through! 

Let us through! 

Let us through!

Except the guard says Canada 

just closed

Our trusted ally gone

Now where in the Hell should we go? 

To Taiwan! 

To Taiwan! 

To Taiwan!

Alas, now back home I’m driving

Where manufacturing’s thriving

’Cause as long as I watch fake news

I can’t lose! 

I can’t lose! 

I can’t lose!

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

(No wording changes necessary)

They’re Beginning to Look A Lot Like Fascists

They’re beginning to look a lot 

like fascists

Ev’ry where you go

With sentences five-to-ten

Languishing in the pen

For anyone who doesn’t get in tow

They’re beginning to look a lot 

like fascists

Like the Nazis we beat in war

But the prettiest sight to see 

Is the Russian flag to be

Hanging on your own front door

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

(Enough said)

The Dreidel Song

(Banned)

The Twelve Days of Swamp Draining

(final stanza)

On the 12th day of swamp draining my

Donald gave to meeeee

twelllllve ExxonMobil CEOs with ties

to Putin!

Eleven climate change denialists 

for EPA!

Ten South Carolina governors with no

international experience for 

U.N. ambassador!

Nine Guantanamo defenders for 

Homeland Security!

Eight retired neurosurgeons who 

look way stoned!

Seven defense secretaries named 

“Mad Dog”!

Six geriatric bankruptcy tricksters 

to head Commerce!

Five Wall Street insiders for Treasury!

Four wives of Mitch McConnell, 

the senater who dismissed 

CIA claims of Russian meddling before 

the election!

Three ObamaCare dismantlers!

Two mega-political donors 

named Betsy!

And an A.G. who’s anti-liberty 

(except for guns)!

Frosty the Bannon

Frosty the Bannon, 

Came to life without a soul

With his Breitbart tripe and talon toes

And a heart made out of coal

Frosty the Bannon 

Is a scary tale quite insane

He was made of ice 

It was his advice 

That saved Donald Trump’s campaign.

There must have been some magic 

In that swastika he found

For when he placed it on his head

His shirt got very brown

Oh, Frosty the Bannon

Eyes as dead as dead can be

And the children yell 

“Frosty go to Hell.

Get your cold dead hands off me!”

Trumpety trump, trump 

Trumpety trump, trump

Let’s melt Frosty like this

Trumpety trump, trump 

Trumpety trump, trump

Stand back and take a …

(provide rhyming word of your choice)

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