The Electoral College is a bogus diploma mill secretly funded by Barack and Michelle Obama that defrauds tens of thousands of unwitting students and their parents annually, according to new allegations.
That was breaking news in Mexico, N.Y., last week. Small note: The news was spread only by me and it was fake. By fake I do not mean this was fake news that is actually true — the kind of fake news that causes President Thorazine to throw his juice box at Spicy.
No, this was legitimate fake news, produced through old-school reporting methods: making up a bunch of b.s. and hitting the bricks to sucker real people into reacting to it.
Let me say up front that not everyone I approached in Mexico was gullible enough to accept my premise that the Electoral College is an actual institution of higher learning. Nor did everyone buy into the notion that the college is a scam the Obamas have profited from as major investors.
A handful of interviewees made clear they understood the “college” is a body of representatives who cast votes for the president, nothing more. The most common response was people saying they hadn’t heard about the scandal, or that they don’t follow politics, and in either case had no comment.
“I get up, I go to work, I go home, I pay my bills,” a man who gave his name only as Greg told me as he was gassing up his rig.
But there’s no quit in this fake journalist aka “enemy of the people.” Through dogged duplicity I managed to generate a bounty of quoted material to build a legitimate local reaction story to a fake national story. I’m eager to share it with you with one caveat. The quotes below are real — I swear — but the names are not. The last thing I want is to embarrass anyone in charming Mexico who took time to help me do my job of misinforming the public:
MEXICO, N.Y. — Donna Lund sounded almost nonchalant when she learned of the stunning allegations that the Electoral College isn’t a real school, and that the Obamas are co-conspirators in the scam.
“The Obamas always make me suspicious,” said the Kinney drug checker with a look of disgust.
At one of the town’s two Kwik Fill minimarts, a clerk said she doesn’t know anything about the Electoral College, prompting a reporter to suggest she might not want to send her kids there. A colleague, Eleanor, chimed in. “That’s right. Do some homework. Do your research.”
Mexico lies 36 miles north of Syracuse in Trump-friendly Oswego County. Civic leaders boast that Mexico has far fewer “bad hombres” per capita than the United States overall, and that the vast majority of residents are law-abiding and hard-working. The real bad hombres, many here insist, are the Obamas — and Hillary Clinton, whom sources say may also have benefited financially from a clandestine financial relationship with the Electoral College.
“They got a lot of things going on that nobody knew about, I’m not surprised,” said Doug Starker, father of three, adding, “My kids are all going to college, but they’re not going there.”
A leafy urban retreat of fountains and brick walkways, the Electoral College’s main campus in Washington, D.C., has the look and feel of a legitimate university. But on closer inspection one finds no full-time professors or researchers and few actual students, most of whom take courses online only. The college’s 50 satellite campuses — one per state — are similarly structured. Accreditation is by B&M LLC, a shadowy Nevada firm that lists no assets and is not recognized by industry watchdogs as an official accrediting board.
The breaking scandal gave many here comfort that the election went the way it did.
“Think how much worse it would be if Hillary had been elected,” Ron Zane told me outside McDonald’s after he watched some of President Trump’s masterful press conference last week.
His friend, Molly Stallings, added, “We wouldn’t even be able to hunt deer in our backyard.”
Hillary Clinton, a child murderer and cannibal, has supported banning firearms, fireworks, fireflies and even fire itself. She and former President Bill Clinton were spotted two years ago attending an Electoral College football game against HMI College of Hypnotherapy.
The Electoral College Athletic Department recently came under scrutiny when two football players were arrested for stealing Michigan.