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Eric Shaffer’s North Syracuse home is seemingly busting with love and zest for life. So it’s little wonder that it is often full: full of laughing children, full of supportive friends and full of memories.
Last March, Shaffer’s wife Amie, just 39, lost her long battle with breast cancer. But even through the worst of her treatments and on the days when her ultimate prognosis became more apparent, Amie had been the center of this happy home. Through her family and friends, her spirit continues. On a recent Friday evening, some of Amie’s friends and family gathered to share anecdotes and to show that her children—Sydnie Sullivan, 14; Karley, 11; and Alex Shaffer, 6—will always have the love of those who loved their mom.
Amie’s battle with breast cancer began in 1999, before she and Shaffer were married. After successful treatment, Amie was healthy and thriving in her role as a sales representative with CXtec in Syracuse, a distributor of information technology infrastructure. Shaffer, a senior account executive with the company, befriended Amie and the pair slowly started dating. They eventually wed in 2005.
“I had to ask her about a million times to even go on a date before she finally said, ‘Sure,’” Shaffer, 51, recalls with a laugh. “She said, ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship!’ But she finally gave in.”
Each had a daughter from a previous relationship: Sydnie from Amie’s and Karley from Shaffer’s. The birth of their son Alex further cemented the family unit. The girls bonded quickly and the Shaffers lived as a happily blended family.
“What’s striking is, you look at pictures of Sydnie and Karley when they were little, and they look like sisters,” says Shaffer. “They beat on each other like they’re sisters; they pick on each other like they’re sisters.”
Together, the Shaffers were often the center of anything fun. Amie loved game nights and throwing large parties: Every birthday and Halloween were very big deals. The girls’ friends loved sleepovers at the Shaffers’ house, complete with pedicures and facials. Summer camping trips meant a group of 60 living together as extended family.
“We moved here in 2004 and it’s been one of the biggest blessings moving to this street,” Shaffer says of his Waxwood Circle locale. “Our neighbors are family. With us it’s always been if you’re not family, you’re family anyhow.”
Even short car trips were events, with Amie singing to a favorite song or chatting happily with her kids’ friends. “We would take hairbrushes to use as microphones and sing at the top of our lungs,” recalls Sydnie.
“I just remember so many good ‘life talks’ with Amie,” says Lyndsey Murray, 15, who lives just doors away from the Shaffers and is best friends with Sydnie.
But, just four months after Alex was born in 2006, the cancer recurred. The cancer, an estrogen-sensitive form, had developed in her spine. Without missing a beat, Amie vowed to fight harder and embrace every moment she had with her family and friends.
“She never let treatment stop her,” says Julie Barker, 39, of West Monroe, who has been friends with Amie since their early teen years. “She always kept everyday life going for her family, and for everyone she knew. She was so generous to include us in this family—her extended family. So, to keep this going. . . we owe her that.”
Misty Memories
Shaffer, who was raised in a large family himself, says this extended family of friends and neighbors has helped him through some rough days. He’s most grateful for the fact that, through them, Sydnie, Karley and Alex will always have a connection with their mom. “The kids all have plenty of moms around to answer the tough questions when they need to be answered,” Shaffer says, shooting smiles to Barker and another neighbor, Denise Murray, Lyndsey’s mom.
Barker recalls a period several years ago, when she was going through a rough time. “Amie was still working full time, going through treatments several times a week, and keeping everything moving smoothly at home,” she says. “I called her up and said, ‘Aim, I need ya.’ She left work early and was over at my house within an hour. She fed my kids, gave them a bath and took care of them. Then went home that night and took care of her own three kids. That’s just the amazing person she was.”
Murray shared that Amie—in the midst of treatment—came over and readied her home for a family gathering following the death of a relative. Amie topped off the gesture with a dozen roses and a sympathy card.
“Friendship brought us all together,” Barker continues. “That’s been a gift she has given us. And we each have stories of those times when it didn’t matter what was going on in her life; Amie would drop it and be right there. With us, there were calls at all hours and long talks. . . She was a special person and she taught everyone about life’s choices.”
Tearfully, Shaffer shared that even on the very day that Amie learned that her cancer was not curable, she was selfless. As she and Eric were leaving the hospital, a nurse approached Amie and said, ‘I need you.’
“One of our good friends was there getting treatments. He was almost dead, and he was alone,” Shaffer recalls. “We went to sit with him after the news we had just gotten, and she didn’t even hesitate. She sat with him and held his hand for two hours while he got treatment. Most people couldn’t begin to take that step. But that was her in a nutshell.”
The children all find comfort in sharing various family memories. Sydnie remembers her mom as “an incredible artist” who also stressed academics. Karley loves the silly stories from when she and Sydnie were little. Alex loved reading with his mom every night. “She was the perfect mom,” he says simply.
Shaffer says about 2,600 people attended Amie’s funeral service. Her children took note of just how widely her light had shone. “When I stood up to talk at her funeral, I didn’t prepare anything ahead of time. I just winged it. I said that she was practically famous,” Sydnie says. “That’s our saying now.”
“We were there for six hours just hugging people,” adds Karley.
When asked what they learned most from Amie, Karley happily chirped, “Just keep going, keep swimming. The very things that hold you down will carry you up.”
Just months after Amie died Shaffer and the children planted a grand flower garden in their front yard. “We wanted a place where we could talk to her,” Shaffer says, smiling through tearing eyes. “When the kids see butterflies at the flowers, they think of Amie.”
That communal space means a lot to the extended Shaffer-Sullivan clan. Sydnie now lives in Central Square with her father, Mike Sullivan, but stays with Shaffer and her siblings about two weekends a month. “We make the most of the situation and enjoy the time we have,” says Shaffer.
During her years of treatment, Amie remained an active supporter of the Carol M. Baldwin Breast Cancer Research Fund and Making Strides Against Breast Cancer of Syracuse. In 2007 she was recognized with the Vicky Swanson Fighting Spirit Award from Coaches vs. Cancer, a national foundation that supports the American Cancer Society. At CXtec, she started the Cables for a Cure Fund, which has resulted in annual donations of more than $20,000 to cancer research.
“My desire to share Amie’s story is to show every other woman out there battling cancer that they are not alone,” says Shaffer. “Don’t ever give up, and if you need people, Beth Baldwin {executive director of the Baldwin Fund} is one of the greatest people you are ever going to meet. She would be there at the drop of a hat. I talked to three people today who got diagnosed with breast cancer; there’s just too much of it our there. It’s important for all of us to get out and experience the walks, the races, Save the Peaks {an annual event held at Labrador Ski Center in Truxton}, because it’s an emotional experience they will never get sitting home alone.”
Amie’s family has followed her example. Kan Jam is a fundraiser founded specifically for Amie. The second annual benefit, held at Sharkey’s Restaurant in Liverpool, raised $3,400 earlier this month. All the money will go to the Save the Peaks Foundation, which supports the Baldwin Fund.
“No matter how sick Amie was, she never hid inside. She was always out in the community,” Shaffer says. “She was determined to show that you could make a difference. You may be stricken with this disease, but it doesn’t have to take your life away. That’s what I want for the kids to understand. Mom was so strong. And now we’ve got to keep fighting for her. We own her that, to continue that going forward.”