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While some people shrugged with skepticism, and her Democratic challenger Dan Maffei called her “out of touch,” other Central New York newsmakers were inspired by her openness and found themselves freed to speak their own dark secrets aloud for the very first time.
Hurdy-gurdy man Frank Malfitano was his humble self when he called a press conference at Jamesville Beach County Park to announce that Syracuse M&T Jazz Fest attendees for 30 years had been pummeling him with one question again and again: When are you going to get Donovan to come to the Jazz Fest? Frank had the look of a man finally free to be himself as he nearly shouted to passing bicyclists, “We’ve had Aretha, Ray Charles, Mose Alison, Chuck Mangione. But no one seems to give me any props for it. It’s always Donovan, Donovan, Donovan, when are you gonna bring Donovan? There’s just a lot of pent-up desire among jazz fans who never get the chance to whistle along to ‘Jennifer Juniper.’”
Bob Congel was sitting by the lake when he picked up the paper and read Buerkle’s comments. He soon found himself weeping uncontrollably. It was time to let the world know. Congel quickly arranged to broadcast himself on the Pyramid Companies’ closed-circuit network and issued remarks that were later posted on YouTube.
“The people insisted on the box,” said the mallmaster. “Everywhere I go, people tell me that Carousel Center looks too much like a cathedral, and we should spice it up by tacking on a building that looks like a prison. In focus group after focus group, this came back as the most popular idea. We asked people to compare it to other concepts. Tuscan village vs. the Box? Box won hands down. How about a second Erie Canal? Nah, they wanted the Box. A ticket to a green future? Turns out they really like the gray.”
Since talk is cheap, Bob the Builder wanted to make sure the people demanding this bold new architecture were serious. “OK,” I said finally. “If you want it so much, how about you show me a little love? I’ll build the Box, as long as you don’t tax it. ‘Sure!’ they cried. They wanted it so much they said I could keep it off the tax rolls for 30 years.
“But I wanted to make sure they really meant it, so I came up with a PILOT {payment in lieu of taxes} agreement. Do you want this badly enough? ‘Yes!’ the people screamed, so loudly I could hear them at Savannah Dhu. ‘You can even pay your mortgage with the PILOT agreement!’ Finally I agreed, but with one proviso: I get to write off the bomb shelter. And they loved it.”
A lonely tourist wandering downtown picked up a newspaper to read Buerkle’s moment of truth. He reflected for a moment on the empty streets and the closed-down shops and the deserted sidewalks, then noted, “What this town really needs are some smartly dressed ambassadors handing out brochures telling me how great the downtown area really is.” (Otherwise how would he know?)
Workers at Heid’s hot dog stand in Liverpool had their own Buerklean moment. “It’s time to finally set the record straight,” said Jeremy, a teen taking a smoke break next to the Dumpster out back. “It’s kale. Everyone’s favorite condiment is actually steamed kale. Forget mustard and relish. I can hardly hear my IPod some days over the noisy shouts of angry people demanding kale on their hot dogs. It’s time to finally give them what they want.” Who knew?
Next up, Manlius Mayor Mark-Paul Serafin decided to hop on the bandwagon. In a press conference near the Swan Pond on Route 92 going through the village, he informed anyone who would listen that his office was inundated with residents whose primary concern was the health and welfare of the four baby swans born this spring after a local buffoon smashed the eggs from a previous reproductive effort.
Some people just can’t get their priorities straight.
Read Ed Griffin-Nolan’s award-winning commentary in the Syracuse New Times. You can reach him at edgriffin@twcny.rr.com.
