“Forty years later,” as an on-screen legend attests, a
chainsaw-toting maniac starts carving up a slew of campus cuties at a
Beantown college, with a harried flatfoot (The Rat Patrol’s
Christopher George in one of his final films) grilling the usual
suspects. Maybe it’s the erudite dean (former MGM star Edmund Purdom),
or the effete professor (Jack Taylor, veteran of many Jess Franco
epics) or the burly groundskeeper named Willard (Paul Smith, the meanie
from Midnight Express and Bluto in the Robin Williams movie Popeye), who shouldn’t be confused with The Simpsons’
Groundskeeper Willie. The copper also enlists a gorgeous tennis pro
(Lynda Day George, Chris George’s real-life spouse) named Riggs (!) to
team with campus stud Kendall (Ian Sera, who resembles a lost Jonas
brother) in the hopes that their undercover work will track down the
killer.
Simon ineptly borrows ingredients from other movie
shockers, such as the murderer stockpiling his victims’ body parts to
create his own unholy vision of womanhood (a plot element from 1970’s The House That Screamed)
to a Dario Argento-ish flashback device involving a skateboarding lass
crashing into a window pane, although viewers would have to be psychic
to connect that death with Timmy’s troubled childhood. Yet beyond the
blood-soaked sequences of grisly fakery that leave nothing to the
imagination, Pieces is easily the weirdest slice-and-dice
misadventure of all time. Simon’s movie thrives on its absurdist
treatment of cinema cliches, like George’s cop trying to quit smoking
(he has an unlit stogie clenched in his teeth) or the bizarre tough-guy
dialogue (Frank Brana, as George’s policeman partner, says about the
investigation, “We’re just out buying clothes without labels and trying
them on for size!”) or the victims greeting the black-cloaked murderer
with, “Oh, it’s you,” unaware that he’s holding a chainsaw behind his
back. And things get deliriously daffy when the tennis star is attacked
by a kung-fu instructor for no apparent reason. Maybe director Simon
simply wanted to inject some martial-arts action into this howler.
Pieces is a cult fave for all the wrong reasons, from its silly dubbing to a ridiculous double-shock finale. Yet the movie counts Hostel
auteur Eli Roth among its many die-hard fans, and it’s probably best
appreciated alongside a bijou filled with other gorehounds who are in
on the joke.
Pieces is the dubious piece de resistance
of a strange triple bill of 35mm features on Friday, Feb. 13, at
Eastwood’s Palace Theatre, 2384 James St. The threesome, part of the
monthly “Brew & View” series, also includes Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960
Psycho (7 p.m.) and Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter (9 p.m.), with Pieces
running at 10:45 p.m. You have to be age 16 and older to get in,
however. According to “Brew & View” promoter Jeff Meyer,
representatives from MTV may also be on hand to videotape the actions
of a horror-movie fan for an upcoming reality-TV series. Admission is
$10, with patrons who get dressed in a slasher motif, either villain or
victim, paying $7. For movie information, call 463-9240.
–Bill DeLapp
