Glove story: Larry the Cable Guy prepares for some innuendo (get it?) in Witless Protection.
Larry (a.k.a. Dan Whitney)
has made the biggest silver-screen splash with his annual ventures;
2006’s Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector and 2007’s Delta Farce are
low-budget, unpolished affairs tailored to the antics of their
rolled-up-sleeves, down-home redneck lead. Don’t expect Witless
Protection to tamper with the star’s formula, either: The opening
scenes depict a Deep South deputy named Larry who’s takin’ it easy with
his girlfriend Connie (Jenny McCarthy), a take-no-sass waitress.
(“She’s big-titted and quick-witted,” he says admiringly.)
Visiting
the sleepy burg’s diner: a gorgeous mystery lady, Madeleine Dimkowski
(Ivana Milicevic), accompanied by guys dressed in suits and sunglasses
as they all exit a black Suburban. Larry suspects these “men in black”
are kidnapping the woman, so he shanghais her away from them—instead
they turn out to be FBI agents escorting Madeleine to Chicago so she
can testify in a case involving crooked businessman Arthur Grimsley
(Fargo’s Peter Stormare). Turns out Larry might be right: Amid the
plethora of pop-culture riffs in this hick rehash of The Gauntlet,
Larry says about fed honcho Alonzo Moseley (Yaphet Kotto, in a role
similar to his work in Midnight Run), “He’s dirtier than Larry Flynt’s
diary!” And since many running gags consist of Larry passing gas from
both ends, the use of on-location scenes from the Windy City is
appropriate.
As a Southern-fried, gross-out
variation of Curly Howard, Larry the Cable Guy is actually pretty smart
when it comes to playing dumb. He’s tapped into a loyal following
raised on immensely popular 1960s-era rube comedies like Green Acres
(in the movie, Larry’s ringtone plays that sitcom’s theme) and Hee Haw,
until CBS-TV deliberately marginalized the genre in search of more
upscale demographics. To be sure, the millennium’s premier hayseed
humorist delivers one-liners that would make Will Rogers spin in his
grave, to wit in Witless: “My hand hasn’t been this sore since the
first episode of Baywatch!” and “It don’t make sense, like Michael
Jackson runnin’ a day-care center!” He also has a way with Norm
Crosby-meets-Dubya malapropisms such as “nullificate.” And, of course,
Larry keeps a possum inside his truck’s glove compartment.
Larry’s
political incorrectness might rile quiche-eaters unfamiliar with his
shtick: At one point, he allows, “I’m madder than a two-fingered
cripple trying to return a text message!” And when Larry and Madeleine
check in at a fleabag motel (under the aliases of “Mr. and Mrs.
Earnhardt,” a nod to NASCAR nuts), he gives a hard time to the Middle
Eastern desk clerk, with references to “Gitmo” and “diaper heads.” If
it helps, everyone in Witless Protection is a run-amuck stereotype,
with a three-way race between Stormare, Eric Roberts (as a bodyguard)
and Joe Mantegna (as Larry’s brother-in-law doctor) to see which
thespian has the funniest accent.
Director-writer
Charles Robert Carner’s effort is spotty and sluggish, often feeling
much longer than its mere 97 minutes. Nor are there any outtakes during
the closing credits, a birthright of redneck cinema since Cannonball
Run, but you can bet they’ll end up as a DVD extra, which is where the
Larry action really is: Delta Farce eked out $8 million at theaters,
then scooped up $20 million in DVD sales. Witless Protection does boast
one satiric swipe, however, when Larry contends with overly sensitive
Homeland Security types at an airport and must submit to a body cavity
probe. The good old boy performs his first nude scene, but rest assured
it is integral to his characterization and not just an excuse for gags
devoted to body odor and flatulence. For Larry, it’s all about his
art—and his fart, too. ❏
