All articles by Jeff Kramer

Poetic License to Kill

April is National Poetry Month

April is National Poetry Month, but before you stop reading, just hear me out. A lot of poetry is actually interesting. Or, barring that, here are some recent news events in our area that I’ve turned into verse in an homage to National Poetry Month:



An Indiana Jones for Homo Sweet Home

Is Indiana the gayest state in the Union?

Homophobes always make me suspicious that they’re gay. Don’t misunderstand. I don’t mean to imply that every black-hearted gay basher sneaks off to Bear Week in Provincetown or secretly knows the Cole Porter songbook by heart.



Time to play MARCH BADNESS

Whoever picks the winning bracket wins $25

Yes, Syracuse, there is an NCAA tournament. Sensing a void in the calendar, I’ve assembled a bracket featuring the best of the worst misconduct spotlighted in the NCAA Infractions Report. Just like the real Selection Committee, I agonized over the seedings. Where, for example, to place violations related to the phony internship — in the YMCA or in Academic Shenanigans regional?



How to Secede from Government (Without Really Trying)

If trimming government waste is the goal, why not start by abolishing the state Senate?

Ever notice that when politicians talk about streamlining government, they tend to give their own arses a pass?



Model Citizen Rails Against Train

North America has experienced five Calamity Trains in the past month alone

Which of the following poses the biggest threat to our way of life?



That Thing You Do in Syracuse

“Syracuse. Do Your Thing”? Since when did Syracuse become Santa Cruz?

Before I critique the new Visit Syracuse (formerly Syracuse Convention and Visitors Bureau) slogan, let me acknowledge how difficult it must be to come up with a catchphrase that captures everything our city offers. Left to my own devices, I’d probably uncork something idiotic like “Gateway to Turning Stone” or “Syracuse. So Much More than Syphilis.”



How much do you truly want to go to SU?

Kramer takes a walking tour of S.U.

Someday, when Andrew Pregler is president of the United States, he’ll look back on February 2015 when he was a volunteer tour guide at Syracuse University, and he’ll think: Now that was a tough job.



It looks like someone could have used a calendar for Christmas

The words of an expert on Valentine’s Day

Saturday is Valentine’s Day, and you know the deal, guys: no roses, no hoses. Of course it’s not exactly that simple. Women want more than just flowers and chocolate from their sweetheart on Valentine’s Day. According to Brian Williams, they also require romance and, in more severe cases, actual feelings.



50 Shades of Orange

Chained to post season or just chained?

This all began innocently. In response to Syracuse University’s “self-ban” of the men’s basketball team from post-season play, I set out to pen a scholarly essay on the history of self-punishment in Western society. Except guess what popped up when I Googled “self-punishment”? Sex, sex and more sex!



Super Guilt Descends in the Desert

I needed to be in Arizona with my two tribes.

Before you judge me — and you will judge me based on what’s to follow — I ask only that you understand that no one is more regretful about my recent conduct than I am.